Some of you may be aware that I try to send out a "Happy Friday!" text of some sort nearly every week. Usually they contain some quote or scripture or something and a wish for a happy Friday and a good weekend. Like many things, I understand that doing something habitually or making it part of a routine runs the risk of diminishing its impact or gives the impression of just "going through the motions." I'm sure some folks even get annoyed by "happy Friday" texts that come at the wrong time, like riiiight before a major test that they've been studying for for 3 days straight and they're stressed to the max and on their last nerve, or that text may show up right in the middle of a Friday that isn't exactly going according to plan. I get it. Timing is definitely everything. In faaact, there is a reason there's a proverb that says, "If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." (Proverbs 27:14). Moral of the story? Some people just aren't morning people… Or maybe not. The moral is probably something more along the lines of, "Don't just know what to say, but more importantly, when to say it. All of that being said, there's a reason I've made a point to send out the happy Friday texts and check in on my friends regularly.
That reason is because I lost a good friend my senior year in high school. She was a couple of years ahead of me in school, so she had already graduated, and even though I thought about her a lot, I hadn't really kept up with her that much. However, I actually called her about a week and a half before she passed because I was going to have some senior pictures taken in the town where I thought she was living and I thought I'd see if she might be in town for lunch or dinner or something. Talking to her that day I knew something was up, but honestly with her being a high-school crush from back in the day, I was so nervous talking to her I really didn't know the right questions to ask, and I didn't want to be too nosy or keep her on the phone too long.
To move through this part of the story quickly, I found out after a football game about a week and a half later that she had taken her own life, and that rocked my world like nothing I'd ever experienced. It just didn't make any sense; this girl was someone who appeared to be one of the happiest people you'd ever meet! So why? The loss was hard enough; but hearing what people said about it afterward was torturous.
That was a long time ago, but just the other day I was visiting with another good friend and the topic came up that we both really miss that girl. Then my friend made a statement very similar to, "Suicide just makes me so mad! It's so selfish." My response to that was, "Yeah, but that's a very mean way to look at it. That's something that unless you have been there and looked it right in the eyes, it's impossible to understand or explain." That conversation ended right there and I didn't know what to make of it.
I've heard all the reasoning behind what my friend said, and I understand it. "Don't make a permanent decision because you're temporarily upset," or "That was just a cry for attention," or "Just count your blessings. No matter how bad you think you've got it, somebody else has it worse," or "Just focus on what you can do for others and your troubles will take a back seat in your mind," or, "Just focus on the good! It's easy! Don't be a 'glass half empty' kind of person." I get that too. A lot of times, folks very easily and flippantly draw the conclusion that making a decision like that is a selfish thing to do, the "easy" way out you could say. And you know what? Maybe they're right. But let me let you in on a little something if you aren't already…
A decision like that is not something that happens overnight.
Yes there are selfish and evil examples of suicide, but most of the time, a person has been so depressed, or so lonely, or so broken-hearted, or so wounded, or so hopeless, or all of that for so long that they just don't want to hurt anymore. To say that is selfish is like telling a person who has had a dislocated joint for years, "I know that hurts, but just be happy! Don't look for attention; count your blessings! Just don't think about it and things will get better!" And for anyone thinking, "Weeell, that's not really the same," yes it is. The pain is very present and very real, and regardless of your "pain tolerance," you can't just wish it away or ignore it at that point. It's a lot like a broken bone (and if you've never had one of those, good for you) in the sense that even though it's broken, a lot of times the pain from it isn't excruciating until you try to move it or you're reminded of it, but it still hurts. I've spent a lot of time in at chiropractors' offices… Sometimes when I go in to get everything lined back up, it's been so out of whack for so long that I have no idea how much pain I'm actually in until it goes away, and without that chiropractor, I wouldn't be able to make the pain go away. That can work in reverse, too. Sometimes I don't understand how good I actually feel until something really hurts and doesn't go away. When someone makes the decision to end that sort of pain, it's not usually a permanent decision to a "temporary" problem. It's a desperate action in an ongoing situation that has no end in sight, and people can't seem to grasp this concept unless they have been in a situation like that themselves. We've all dealt with disappointment and bad days, and usually even some major heartbreak, but when it comes to someone making that final decision, be very very careful about assuming it was just the "short and easy way out."
After all that happened back in high school, I remember feeling my heart being shredded all over again while I was sitting at a concert listening to Casting Crowns perform "Does Anybody Hear Her". I made a promise to myself right there I would make more of an effort to be perceptive of others, and I would reeeally try to tune in to my friends and be there to listen if they needed it. I admit I've failed in some instances. I'm sure we are all related to (or know) someone who is a just "negative Nancy" or whatever, and I think you understand for yourself you can't wade into that arena 24/7 and not have it wear on you. That's where honesty with that person may sting a little, but it may help them break the cycle. But this is where I want to make the turn and start heading toward the positive side of this post…
I read a book several years ago that inspired me to become a student of fear. More directly, it made me consider what fear is, what causes it, what contains it, and what the opposite of fear is. Not only did I start studying the elements and consequences of fear, but I dug into what people are capable of when it comes to survival. What makes a survivor? To what lengths will some people go in order to make it through some of the most challenging and unfathomable circumstances? Some of the stories you can find when it comes to extreme survival will blow your mind.
What I found through all the digging was that there are essentially two elements of survival that can individually motivate someone to overcome, or they can work in conjunction to carry someone through to the end. These two elements are:
1) The fear of death, and
2) The will to live.
I think you can see how those two elements work together. Remove one or both of those elements from someone facing a life-and-death situation, and their chances of survival go down dramatically, but I would argue that one of these elements is more important than the other.
Fear is an instinct we've been given that helps us survive. We've all heard of the "fight or flight" instinct. Fear is a large part of that instinct. It's a lot like pain in the sense that if something doesn't feel right, we take action to change the situation in order to preserve our health or life. When it comes to fear of death itself, that kind of fear can put us into hyper-drive and empower us to overcome an extreme life-or-death situation should we come face-to-face with one. However, there are some situations where the fear of death is no longer the motivating factor (or it is not taken into consideration) for whether or not a person will fight and hang on to life or give up. A few examples of this that I can think of right off the top of my head are a desensitization to death itself (the thought of it death not new or foreign or uncomfortable), an extreme protective instinct (think momma bear protecting her cubs…she doesn't care about herself; she's defending her young), or extreme or prolonged pain and suffering (just make it stop). Now for the other side of it.
I know several people who genuinely have ZERO fear of death. They know what it is, and they're ready for it when it comes, but they do not fear it. I tell you this: you will never see a faith more real than you will when you look in the eyes of a man who truly is ready to meet his Lord at any moment, but will do whatever he needs to in order to allow someone else to find that peace. Those kinds of people do not fear death, but they continue to be survivors because of their will to live. Mark Twain said, "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born…and the day you find out WHY." Whether it is a life's worth of work, an unfinished goal/task, a spouse, children, or the buddy right next to you in the fox hole, to have a purpose, a mission, a responsibility, or one or more reasons to hang on to life can pull someone through a life-or-death situation. Why do you think warriors for eons have carried mementoes of their loved ones off to battle? Why do you think fighter pilots put pictures of their sweethearts or their kids right around their instruments in their war planes? Why do you think the bonds formed between brothers and sisters in arms or during extreme life-and-death adventures are so strong? It's because every single one of those connections is a reason for someone to keep on living! There's a certain bond created between two people when the life of one rests solely in the hands of the other, or depends solely upon the other's success or failure. To know that you are worth something to somebody or even anybody can make all the difference in the world.
This is where the power of the encourager comes SCREAMING into focus. I once heard a good preacher-man friend say he was of the opinion that the gift of encouragement was the most underrated of all the spiritual gifts, but what a powerful gift it is. Some of the other gifts, like teaching, prophesy, giving, leading, and showing mercy tend to get the spotlight because they can be flashy or "neat" or impressive or come from a position of power (see Romans 12). Now, "motivational speakers" can be pretty flashy when it comes to "encouraging" others, but I think true encouragement (when it's needed the most) comes deep in the trenches, behind the scenes, on sleepless nights, and at just the right time when the light at the end of someone's tunnel is about to flicker and go out.
When I think of "true" encouragement, I picture a matchless and lighterless hippie survivorman on Discovery channel, huddled in the woods as darkness falls and the storm clouds start rolling in, gingerly cupping his last wisp of dry tinder around the tiny ember he's finally caught after an hour of spinning one stick on top of another. Then with a perfectly timed, "Come on, baby," or two, he gently breathes precious oxygen onto the ember, setting his tinder bundle ablaze and securing warmth and life for one more night in a dark and cold world.
This description might be a little corny or "over-the-top," but the right word, from the right person, at the right time, can reaffirm someone's worth to them and give them hope for tomorrow, giving them the boost they need to make it through. The following picture/note has been floating around Facebook recently, and I think it captures every thought I've just shared in just a few short lines, except of course it's a girl telling the story:
That was a long time ago, but just the other day I was visiting with another good friend and the topic came up that we both really miss that girl. Then my friend made a statement very similar to, "Suicide just makes me so mad! It's so selfish." My response to that was, "Yeah, but that's a very mean way to look at it. That's something that unless you have been there and looked it right in the eyes, it's impossible to understand or explain." That conversation ended right there and I didn't know what to make of it.
I've heard all the reasoning behind what my friend said, and I understand it. "Don't make a permanent decision because you're temporarily upset," or "That was just a cry for attention," or "Just count your blessings. No matter how bad you think you've got it, somebody else has it worse," or "Just focus on what you can do for others and your troubles will take a back seat in your mind," or, "Just focus on the good! It's easy! Don't be a 'glass half empty' kind of person." I get that too. A lot of times, folks very easily and flippantly draw the conclusion that making a decision like that is a selfish thing to do, the "easy" way out you could say. And you know what? Maybe they're right. But let me let you in on a little something if you aren't already…
A decision like that is not something that happens overnight.
Yes there are selfish and evil examples of suicide, but most of the time, a person has been so depressed, or so lonely, or so broken-hearted, or so wounded, or so hopeless, or all of that for so long that they just don't want to hurt anymore. To say that is selfish is like telling a person who has had a dislocated joint for years, "I know that hurts, but just be happy! Don't look for attention; count your blessings! Just don't think about it and things will get better!" And for anyone thinking, "Weeell, that's not really the same," yes it is. The pain is very present and very real, and regardless of your "pain tolerance," you can't just wish it away or ignore it at that point. It's a lot like a broken bone (and if you've never had one of those, good for you) in the sense that even though it's broken, a lot of times the pain from it isn't excruciating until you try to move it or you're reminded of it, but it still hurts. I've spent a lot of time in at chiropractors' offices… Sometimes when I go in to get everything lined back up, it's been so out of whack for so long that I have no idea how much pain I'm actually in until it goes away, and without that chiropractor, I wouldn't be able to make the pain go away. That can work in reverse, too. Sometimes I don't understand how good I actually feel until something really hurts and doesn't go away. When someone makes the decision to end that sort of pain, it's not usually a permanent decision to a "temporary" problem. It's a desperate action in an ongoing situation that has no end in sight, and people can't seem to grasp this concept unless they have been in a situation like that themselves. We've all dealt with disappointment and bad days, and usually even some major heartbreak, but when it comes to someone making that final decision, be very very careful about assuming it was just the "short and easy way out."
After all that happened back in high school, I remember feeling my heart being shredded all over again while I was sitting at a concert listening to Casting Crowns perform "Does Anybody Hear Her". I made a promise to myself right there I would make more of an effort to be perceptive of others, and I would reeeally try to tune in to my friends and be there to listen if they needed it. I admit I've failed in some instances. I'm sure we are all related to (or know) someone who is a just "negative Nancy" or whatever, and I think you understand for yourself you can't wade into that arena 24/7 and not have it wear on you. That's where honesty with that person may sting a little, but it may help them break the cycle. But this is where I want to make the turn and start heading toward the positive side of this post…
I read a book several years ago that inspired me to become a student of fear. More directly, it made me consider what fear is, what causes it, what contains it, and what the opposite of fear is. Not only did I start studying the elements and consequences of fear, but I dug into what people are capable of when it comes to survival. What makes a survivor? To what lengths will some people go in order to make it through some of the most challenging and unfathomable circumstances? Some of the stories you can find when it comes to extreme survival will blow your mind.
What I found through all the digging was that there are essentially two elements of survival that can individually motivate someone to overcome, or they can work in conjunction to carry someone through to the end. These two elements are:
1) The fear of death, and
2) The will to live.
I think you can see how those two elements work together. Remove one or both of those elements from someone facing a life-and-death situation, and their chances of survival go down dramatically, but I would argue that one of these elements is more important than the other.
Fear is an instinct we've been given that helps us survive. We've all heard of the "fight or flight" instinct. Fear is a large part of that instinct. It's a lot like pain in the sense that if something doesn't feel right, we take action to change the situation in order to preserve our health or life. When it comes to fear of death itself, that kind of fear can put us into hyper-drive and empower us to overcome an extreme life-or-death situation should we come face-to-face with one. However, there are some situations where the fear of death is no longer the motivating factor (or it is not taken into consideration) for whether or not a person will fight and hang on to life or give up. A few examples of this that I can think of right off the top of my head are a desensitization to death itself (the thought of it death not new or foreign or uncomfortable), an extreme protective instinct (think momma bear protecting her cubs…she doesn't care about herself; she's defending her young), or extreme or prolonged pain and suffering (just make it stop). Now for the other side of it.
I know several people who genuinely have ZERO fear of death. They know what it is, and they're ready for it when it comes, but they do not fear it. I tell you this: you will never see a faith more real than you will when you look in the eyes of a man who truly is ready to meet his Lord at any moment, but will do whatever he needs to in order to allow someone else to find that peace. Those kinds of people do not fear death, but they continue to be survivors because of their will to live. Mark Twain said, "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born…and the day you find out WHY." Whether it is a life's worth of work, an unfinished goal/task, a spouse, children, or the buddy right next to you in the fox hole, to have a purpose, a mission, a responsibility, or one or more reasons to hang on to life can pull someone through a life-or-death situation. Why do you think warriors for eons have carried mementoes of their loved ones off to battle? Why do you think fighter pilots put pictures of their sweethearts or their kids right around their instruments in their war planes? Why do you think the bonds formed between brothers and sisters in arms or during extreme life-and-death adventures are so strong? It's because every single one of those connections is a reason for someone to keep on living! There's a certain bond created between two people when the life of one rests solely in the hands of the other, or depends solely upon the other's success or failure. To know that you are worth something to somebody or even anybody can make all the difference in the world.
This is where the power of the encourager comes SCREAMING into focus. I once heard a good preacher-man friend say he was of the opinion that the gift of encouragement was the most underrated of all the spiritual gifts, but what a powerful gift it is. Some of the other gifts, like teaching, prophesy, giving, leading, and showing mercy tend to get the spotlight because they can be flashy or "neat" or impressive or come from a position of power (see Romans 12). Now, "motivational speakers" can be pretty flashy when it comes to "encouraging" others, but I think true encouragement (when it's needed the most) comes deep in the trenches, behind the scenes, on sleepless nights, and at just the right time when the light at the end of someone's tunnel is about to flicker and go out.
When I think of "true" encouragement, I picture a matchless and lighterless hippie survivorman on Discovery channel, huddled in the woods as darkness falls and the storm clouds start rolling in, gingerly cupping his last wisp of dry tinder around the tiny ember he's finally caught after an hour of spinning one stick on top of another. Then with a perfectly timed, "Come on, baby," or two, he gently breathes precious oxygen onto the ember, setting his tinder bundle ablaze and securing warmth and life for one more night in a dark and cold world.
This description might be a little corny or "over-the-top," but the right word, from the right person, at the right time, can reaffirm someone's worth to them and give them hope for tomorrow, giving them the boost they need to make it through. The following picture/note has been floating around Facebook recently, and I think it captures every thought I've just shared in just a few short lines, except of course it's a girl telling the story:
On a side note, people might ask, "From a Christian perspective, or at least a God-fearing perspective, shouldn't people know they're never alone, and shouldn't that be a sufficiently encouraging message in itself?" Well, I guess you could say that. Consider this: What if there are people out there who feel like they're only worth something to God, but no one is showing that to them or reminding them that they are valued here and now by someone? I can guarantee you those people are out there. Why mess around with this world if you can just go be with God? Paul considered it. Job thought about it. Jonah talked to God about it. There is a reason different songs talk about people being the loneliest in a crowd. Robin Williams said, "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."
I must admit that I have been blessed with some fantastic friends in my life, and I rarely give them enough credit. So from me personally, if you have ever made an effort to offer me encouragement, or if you consciously make an effort to encourage others, thank you! If you are someone who doesn't think you have the "gift" of encouragement, try it out! It could just be "liking" the Facebook status of one of your friends who might be less popular. That could send the message, "I appreciate you and what you have to say." If some weird, random feeling to check on or talk to someone hits you from out of the blue, don't dismiss that! That's probably the Spirit prompting you to be a blessing to him or her. It may be a note, or a text, or a call, or even just a wave and a smile, but you could turn somebody's day or week around, or you might just save a life… you just never know.
Thanks, y'all. If you have read this, or if you have ever gotten a happy Friday text, it wasn't just because it's Friday and that's what I do on Fridays… You are valued and appreciated and loved for the person and the friend that you are. So y'all have a happy Friday, and look for opportunities to ENCOURAGE this weekend!
In Him,
Tyson L. Basye
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