The Power of An Encourager: Worth, Hope, & Survival

As promised, this post is a follow-up on part of the last one I put up. If you read the last one, you might remember the thought I said to hold onto until I got this post up. If you didn't read the last post, here's the thought I said to hold on to: As long as a person knows that he or she is worth something, he or she will have hope. When a person loses sight of his or her worth, hope tends to fade. This is a topic that appears dark on the surface, and it can be, but I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you choose to read on.

Some of you may be aware that I try to send out a "Happy Friday!" text of some sort nearly every week. Usually they contain some quote or scripture or something and a wish for a happy Friday and a good weekend. Like many things, I understand that doing something habitually or making it part of a routine runs the risk of diminishing its impact or gives the impression of just "going through the motions." I'm sure some folks even get annoyed by "happy Friday" texts that come at the wrong time, like riiiight before a major test that they've been studying for for 3 days straight and they're stressed to the max and on their last nerve, or that text may show up right in the middle of a Friday that isn't exactly going according to plan. I get it. Timing is definitely everything. In faaact, there is a reason there's a proverb that says, "If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse." (Proverbs 27:14). Moral of the story? Some people just aren't morning people… Or maybe not. The moral is probably something more along the lines of, "Don't just know what to say, but more importantly, when to say it. All of that being said, there's a reason I've made a point to send out the happy Friday texts and check in on my friends regularly.

That reason is because I lost a good friend my senior year in high school. She was a couple of years ahead of me in school, so she had already graduated, and even though I thought about her a lot, I hadn't really kept up with her that much. However, I actually called her about a week and a half before she passed because I was going to have some senior pictures taken in the town where I thought she was living and I thought I'd see if she might be in town for lunch or dinner or something. Talking to her that day I knew something was up, but honestly with her being a high-school crush from back in the day, I was so nervous talking to her I really didn't know the right questions to ask, and I didn't want to be too nosy or keep her on the phone too long.

To move through this part of the story quickly, I found out after a football game about a week and a half later that she had taken her own life, and that rocked my world like nothing I'd ever experienced. It just didn't make any sense; this girl was someone who appeared to be one of the happiest people you'd ever meet! So why? The loss was hard enough; but hearing what people said about it afterward was torturous.

That was a long time ago, but just the other day I was visiting with another good friend and the topic came up that we both really miss that girl. Then my friend made a statement very similar to, "Suicide just makes me so mad! It's so selfish." My response to that was, "Yeah, but that's a very mean way to look at it. That's something that unless you have been there and looked it right in the eyes, it's impossible to understand or explain." That conversation ended right there and I didn't know what to make of it.

I've heard all the reasoning behind what my friend said, and I understand it. "Don't make a permanent decision because you're temporarily upset," or "That was just a cry for attention," or "Just count your blessings. No matter how bad you think you've got it, somebody else has it worse," or "Just focus on what you can do for others and your troubles will take a back seat in your mind," or, "Just focus on the good! It's easy! Don't be a 'glass half empty' kind of person." I get that too. A lot of times, folks very easily and flippantly draw the conclusion that making a decision like that is a selfish thing to do, the "easy" way out you could say. And you know what? Maybe they're right. But let me let you in on a little something if you aren't already…

A decision like that is not something that happens overnight.

Yes there are selfish and evil examples of suicide, but most of the time, a person has been so depressed, or so lonely, or so broken-hearted, or so wounded, or so hopeless, or all of that for so long that they just don't want to hurt anymore. To say that is selfish is like telling a person who has had a dislocated joint for years, "I know that hurts, but just be happy! Don't look for attention; count your blessings! Just don't think about it and things will get better!" And for anyone thinking, "Weeell, that's not really the same," yes it is. The pain is very present and very real, and regardless of your "pain tolerance," you can't just wish it away or ignore it at that point. It's a lot like a broken bone (and if you've never had one of those, good for you) in the sense that even though it's broken, a lot of times the pain from it isn't excruciating until you try to move it or you're reminded of it, but it still hurts. I've spent a lot of time in at chiropractors' offices… Sometimes when I go in to get everything lined back up, it's been so out of whack for so long that I have no idea how much pain I'm actually in until it goes away, and without that chiropractor, I wouldn't be able to make the pain go away. That can work in reverse, too. Sometimes I don't understand how good I actually feel until something really hurts and doesn't go away. When someone makes the decision to end that sort of pain, it's not usually a permanent decision to a "temporary" problem. It's a desperate action in an ongoing situation that has no end in sight, and people can't seem to grasp this concept unless they have been in a situation like that themselves. We've all dealt with disappointment and bad days, and usually even some major heartbreak, but when it comes to someone making that final decision, be very very careful about assuming it was just the "short and easy way out."

After all that happened back in high school, I remember feeling my heart being shredded all over again while I was sitting at a concert listening to Casting Crowns perform "Does Anybody Hear Her". I made a promise to myself right there I would make more of an effort to be perceptive of others, and I would reeeally try to tune in to my friends and be there to listen if they needed it. I admit I've failed in some instances. I'm sure we are all related to (or know) someone who is a just "negative Nancy" or whatever, and I think you understand for yourself you can't wade into that arena 24/7 and not have it wear on you. That's where honesty with that person may sting a little, but it may help them break the cycle. But this is where I want to make the turn and start heading toward the positive side of this post…

I read a book several years ago that inspired me to become a student of fear. More directly, it made me consider what fear is, what causes it, what contains it, and what the opposite of fear is. Not only did I start studying the elements and consequences of fear, but I dug into what people are capable of when it comes to survival. What makes a survivor? To what lengths will some people go in order to make it through some of the most challenging and unfathomable circumstances? Some of the stories you can find when it comes to extreme survival will blow your mind.

What I found through all the digging was that there are essentially two elements of survival that can individually motivate someone to overcome, or they can work in conjunction to carry someone through to the end. These two elements are:
1) The fear of death, and
2) The will to live.

I think you can see how those two elements work together. Remove one or both of those elements from someone facing a life-and-death situation, and their chances of survival go down dramatically, but I would argue that one of these elements is more important than the other.

Fear is an instinct we've been given that helps us survive. We've all heard of the "fight or flight" instinct. Fear is a large part of that instinct. It's a lot like pain in the sense that if something doesn't feel right, we take action to change the situation in order to preserve our health or life. When it comes to fear of death itself, that kind of fear can put us into hyper-drive and empower us to overcome an extreme life-or-death situation should we come face-to-face with one. However, there are some situations where the fear of death is no longer the motivating factor (or it is not taken into consideration) for whether or not a person will fight and hang on to life or give up. A few examples of this that I can think of right off the top of my head are a desensitization to death itself (the thought of it death not new or foreign or uncomfortable), an extreme protective instinct (think momma bear protecting her cubs…she doesn't care about herself; she's defending her young), or extreme or prolonged pain and suffering (just make it stop). Now for the other side of it.

I know several people who genuinely have ZERO fear of death. They know what it is, and they're ready for it when it comes, but they do not fear it. I tell you this: you will never see a faith more real than you will when you look in the eyes of a man who truly is ready to meet his Lord at any moment, but will do whatever he needs to in order to allow someone else to find that peace. Those kinds of people do not fear death, but they continue to be survivors because of their will to live. Mark Twain said, "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born…and the day you find out WHY." Whether it is a life's worth of work, an unfinished goal/task, a spouse, children, or the buddy right next to you in the fox hole, to have a purpose, a mission, a responsibility, or one or more reasons to hang on to life can pull someone through a life-or-death situation. Why do you think warriors for eons have carried mementoes of their loved ones off to battle? Why do you think fighter pilots put pictures of their sweethearts or their kids right around their instruments in their war planes? Why do you think the bonds formed between brothers and sisters in arms or during extreme life-and-death adventures are so strong? It's because every single one of those connections is a reason for someone to keep on living! There's a certain bond created between two people when the life of one rests solely in the hands of the other, or depends solely upon the other's success or failure. To know that you are worth something to somebody or even anybody can make all the difference in the world.

This is where the power of the encourager comes SCREAMING into focus. I once heard a good preacher-man friend say he was of the opinion that the gift of encouragement was the most underrated of all the spiritual gifts, but what a powerful gift it is. Some of the other gifts, like teaching, prophesy, giving, leading, and showing mercy tend to get the spotlight because they can be flashy or "neat" or impressive or come from a position of power (see Romans 12). Now, "motivational speakers" can be pretty flashy when it comes to "encouraging" others, but I think true encouragement (when it's needed the most) comes deep in the trenches, behind the scenes, on sleepless nights, and at just the right time when the light at the end of someone's tunnel is about to flicker and go out.

When I think of "true" encouragement, I picture a matchless and lighterless hippie survivorman on Discovery channel, huddled in the woods as darkness falls and the storm clouds start rolling in, gingerly cupping his last wisp of dry tinder around the tiny ember he's finally caught after an hour of spinning one stick on top of another. Then with a perfectly timed, "Come on, baby," or two, he gently breathes precious oxygen onto the ember, setting his tinder bundle ablaze and securing warmth and life for one more night in a dark and cold world.

This description might be a little corny or "over-the-top," but the right word, from the right person, at the right time, can reaffirm someone's worth to them and give them hope for tomorrow, giving them the boost they need to make it through. The following picture/note has been floating around Facebook recently, and I think it captures every thought I've just shared in just a few short lines, except of course it's a girl telling the story:

On a side note, people might ask, "From a Christian perspective, or at least a God-fearing perspective, shouldn't people know they're never alone, and shouldn't that be a sufficiently encouraging message in itself?" Well, I guess you could say that. Consider this: What if there are people out there who feel like they're only worth something to God, but no one is showing that to them or reminding them that they are valued here and now by someone? I can guarantee you those people are out there. Why mess around with this world if you can just go be with God? Paul considered it. Job thought about it. Jonah talked to God about it. There is a reason different songs talk about people being the loneliest in a crowd. Robin Williams said, "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."

I must admit that I have been blessed with some fantastic friends in my life, and I rarely give them enough credit. So from me personally, if  you have ever made an effort to offer me encouragement, or if you consciously make an effort to encourage others, thank you! If you are someone who doesn't think you have the "gift" of encouragement, try it out! It could just be "liking" the Facebook status of one of your friends who might be less popular. That could send the message, "I appreciate you and what you have to say." If some weird, random feeling to check on or talk to someone hits you from out of the blue, don't dismiss that! That's probably the Spirit prompting you to be a blessing to him or her. It may be a note, or a text, or a call, or even just a wave and a smile, but you could turn somebody's day or week around, or you might just save a life… you just never know.

Thanks, y'all. If you have read this, or if you have ever gotten a happy Friday text, it wasn't just because it's Friday and that's what I do on Fridays… You are valued and appreciated and loved for the person and the friend that you are. So y'all have a happy Friday, and look for opportunities to ENCOURAGE this weekend!

In Him,

Tyson L. Basye

Don't Become Weary In Doing Good / Don't Be Afraid To Give An (Honest) Answer

Wow. It's been over 2 years since I've felt inspired to write down anything in-depth to share with anyone else. I even forgot which blog site I  was using way back when I decided to give this stuff a shot… Turns out sharing what I was thinking was not something I ended up being very keen on. BUT several ideas have all been working on me the last few months, and I think it's about time I body-slam the tangled mess of thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head during many fitfully sleepless nights. It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused (and rightly so) of over-analyzing things, but maybe if I write it down it'll all sort itself out. So here we go again… I hope you enjoy.

The first major thought that I've been wrestling with lately is, "Don't become weary in doing good." This of course comes from Galatians 6: 9-10, which says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Well, like most things, this is much easier said than done. Another way of saying it goes like this: It might be simple, but it sure ain't easy. Sure, just keep on doing what's right no matter what. And not only do what's right, but keep doing GOOD. Not the adjective, the noun. GOOD. Easy enough, right? Well yeah, everybody loves lending a helping hand, don't they? I mean I do. I love that "feely-good" feeling when I do "good." But what about when "doing good" sets me back, I mean like reeeally sticks me between a rock and a hard place, or is reeeeally inconvenient or reeeeally annoying? What then? Do I still get that feely-good feeling, or do I start looking for the EXIT sign. I'll be honest… most times when "doing good" gets to that level, I'm getting ready to speed-rope out of there, tap, roll, and run. All of that, of course, depends upon FOR whom I'm doing the good. You know what I mean… Is there a vested interest there? Is it a family member, a close friend, or somebody who really needs the good done for them? Or is it an acquaintance, or a stranger, or somebody we know who always seems to need something no matter how much they get?

Woah. Shtuff just got REAL right there. I thiiiink I just jumped on the judgement bandwagon. What's the best way to get off that wagon? Well, most times it's to quit looking through the "ME" lens. I mean, I've been blessed with some dang good bio-physical eyes, but I catch myself wearing those stylish ME shades pretty often and have to conscientiously swap them out for God-focals. What did that verse say? "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to aaaaall people…," which means as each opportunity presents itself, I really shouldn't place it on the "How Much Does Ty REALLY Want To Do This" scale. It's an opportunity to do good, so just do it! Right? Well, that's right, but I'm human and I struggle with the whole "scale" thing…priorities I guess. Plus I'm a dude. I have to categorize and weigh and measure and rate and rank and fix things. Every-things. With an "s".

A person I know said it best on Facebook the other day (and Facebook confirms the story) when he put it this way, "Some people just flat-out make things difficult for others and I'm not sure why. It is my prayer that I do my best to decrease the difficulty in others' lives, not increase it." Well-put, Mr. Will.

To me, this is as practical as it gets. It rings in harmony with the Golden Rule and the 2nd Greatest Command. Doing GOOD for others, essentially - as far as I'm defining it right this second, subject to change without warning, yes this is a run-on sentence - is making their lives easier, or benefitting their well-being. This may be a brief, momentary action, or it may be a long-term thing. So how do we "do good" for others, and how does it tie into the other major thought that has been pinballing around in my noggin?

We humans, even the worst of us, have a feeling and ability deep inside us that allows us to identify a "need" when we see it. That feeling/instinct/whatever you want to call it is called compassion. Some folks are just better than others at knowing what to do to act on that feeling. Doing good for someone else usually involves sacrifice (or giving) of yourself. You might sacrifice some of your time, give some advice, or share some of your wealth or skill in order to make someone's life easier, but a lot of the time "doing good" is easiest when one can take physical action in order to help someone (changing a tire, buying somebody's lunch, etc). Other times, doing "good" for someone may just come down to being honest with them, and that's where the second part of my title "Don't be afraid to give an (honest) answer" comes into play. This is where this blog will get a little bit personal for me and address an issue I've observed in our society.

I may just be the last dope on the planet who believes that a truthful answer, even what could be perceived as a "mean" or brutally-honest answer, is better (more helpful/useful) than NO answer. To me, an honest and truthful answer that I probably don't want to hear is better than no answer at all. I can DO something with it. Proverbs 24:26 says, "An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship." (NLT). The NIV gets even more mushy-gushy and goes with, "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

Why is this? Well, let's go back to the "decreasing the difficulty in others' lives" thing for a second while we simultaneously throw in a dude-style ranking system to boot.

Visualize someone walking along an unfamiliar path in the woods. We'll say this is a trail in the "Your Life Wilderness." It just so happens that you've been traveling this trail for a long, long time, you know it pretty well, and you're sitting there at a point where the trail branches in several different directions, snacking on a sandwich and keeping an eye out for Yogi the bear so he doesn't sneak up and steal your pic-a-nic basket. All of a sudden, this new person comes upon the branch in the trail where you are sitting. Seeing you there, this person asks if you know this trail very well. Well of course you do; it's the Your Life Wilderness. You own it. In fact, you know which direction this person needs to go in order to move forward in Your Life. As I see it, you have 3 options in this situation: 1) You can be harmful to this person, 2) you can avoid harming or helping this person, or 3) you can "do good" and be helpful to this person. How do those 3 choices play out?

1) If someone is unfamiliar with a trail in the Your Life Wilderness, you can be harmful to this person by lying to them about which way to go and sending them in the wrong direction.

2) If someone is unfamiliar with a trail in the Your Life Wilderness, you can keep silent and avoid telling this person which way to go, leaving them stuck and confused.

3) If someone is unfamiliar with a trail in the Your Life Wilderness, you can "do good" and give this person a direction to take. It may take them deeper into the Your Life Wilderness, or it may lead them out of it. The key is that it's Your Life. You own it and you know it, but besides the Lord, only you can help others navigate into it, through it, or out of it.

This is where the dude-style rankings come into play. On a scale of worst, better, best, the worst option is to lie to someone. Slightly better than a lie (but only barely) is to not give an answer, or to avoid the situation. I'm guilty of taking this second option, too, but I'm trying to stop doing that. The best option, and the one we shouldn't be afraid of, is to give an honest answer. It may not even be the answer someone wants to hear, but think about this for a second: Would you rather someone respect you enough to take the time to give you an answer you don't like, or would you rather feel like that person doesn't value or respect you enough as a person to "waste" his or her time on you? We're told that patience is a virtue, but how frustrating and how confusing can it be to patiently wait on an answer and never get one?

I know what you're thinking, "Well buddy, maybe there's a hint… no answer means the answer is probably NO." Maybe. Sometimes when God doesn't answer, His answer is really, "Not yet." But that's God. To me, and with other people, no answer is not an answer. It's just my opinion, but I believe we would be much better served to be honest with each other. That does NOT mean that we have to go around freely giving our honest OPINION on everything. I'm talking about when someone asks for an answer, give it to them. That answer may even be, "I don't know."  If someone crosses your path in life, help them know which way to go. If you can tell someone is making a concentrated effort to be in your life, but you don't want them there or you know they will only end up frustrated trying to stay there, give them a different direction. Help them move on. It may be awkward; it may sting a little, but in the end you're "doing good" because they're not stuck, and they're not going the wrong way.

The most harm that we can do to a person is to remove their feeling of worth from them. As long as a person knows that he or she is worth something, he or she will have hope. When a person loses sight of his or her worth, hope tends to fade.

^^^^^
*Hold this thought for another post coming later this week.*

There's a reason we're told to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us…the reason is that even our enemies are worth something. They were (and are) worth the Blood of Jesus Christ, just like you, and just like me. We may not see this in the moment or have this thought at the forefront of our mind all the time, and we might even lose sight of our OWN worth from time to time, but God thought we were worth it, or else he wouldn't have sent His Son in the first place. That's the evidence.

I'm not going to say we have to agree with (or even like) everyone we meet in this life, but I do believe it is our duty to "do good" for all people who come across our path by making their lives less difficult. And when it comes to giving honest answers, keep in mind that constructive criticism is one thing, but look for the good in people. You will never turn a person bitter or cynical faster than you will by insulting the good that is in them, by degrading or making the good that they have done seem worthless, or by ignoring them when they're trying to do something good for you. People don't like to be used, taken advantage of, or unappreciated, which is where our saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," comes from.

*Side Note* An honest answer doesn't necessarily have to be with words. Pay attention to your gut instinct. Especially in today's world, if you run into a situation where one of your "friends" online becomes abusive or just flat-out hateful, blocking or deleting that person sends a very clear message, "I will not tolerate this sort of behavior." If it's a situation you KNOW you should not be in, take action and be clear about it. "I'm not talking to you anymore; please leave me alone," can come across as mean, but sometimes that is what needs to be said, and those words need to be accompanied with appropriate action to create separation in that situation.

That being said, consider that you might run into someone who is very hateful toward you, but even in their hatefulness they are looking for answers to deeper questions or spiritual questions. How you handle a situation like this might be the only glimpse of hope in humanity or the only example of the love of Christ that someone gets to see in their world. I bring this up because one of my friends crossed paths with an individual in college who was (from the sound of it) viciously hateful towards her, but he would ask questions like, "How can you believe in a god like that?" or, "You can't seriously believe all this Jesus stuff can you? Sure, just belieeeeve in Jesus. What a joke." She told me it was one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do (putting up with that sort of treatment), but looking back on it now it's obvious that the Spirit was working in her to get to him. She said when faced with an attitude and snarky questions like that, her instinct and personality would normally have told her to jump right back in someone's face and go into "debate mode" (my description of it), but with him it was different. Every time. Every time he tried to get under her skin, it bothered her, but what came out of her mouth was a calm answer to share how she knows her Savior personally and what He has done in her life. It was not an easy road to go down, but now she and that guy are the best of friends and he has gone from being someone who absolutely hated God to someone who is on fire for Jesus! That is such a powerful example to me, and it's one that I have gone back to and thought about quite a bit.

To wrap this all up and put a nice little bow on it, don't grow weary in doing good, and have the courage and the faith to be honest with people. Help others to navigate deeper into, through, or out of the Wilderness of Your Life, but do good to them by acknowledging their worth and giving them a new direction.

I hope this has given you some good food for thought for this week. Blessings in the days ahead!

In Him,
Tyson L. Basye

P.S. The new movie God's Not Dead? Go see it! I loved it.